I had to write this!

Suddenly thought of something. Now, people always look for the freedom of love. As such, many need to go through the trial and tribulations of the trial and error process. Many might not even find a partner. As such, huge dating agencies and even overseas bride-matching firms spring up. And in China, they used to just need a match-maker, some money and a compatible social status to get married.

Yes yes, women had little say back then, and yes yes, there have been many (dramatised) situations where the couples are not in love with each other, but they are wrongful and woefully brought together for many reasons. Some accept, some enjoyed, but yes, unfortunately, many suffered (and it is usually the females).

Alas, the social stigma with dating agencies. Are they on par with being an ex-convicts (give them a chance too!!) foreign workers (they help build our country for goodness sake!), sex workers (some are forced due to many reasons..). This is a bit of a digression, but what I am driving at is this: What is the cost of free courtship (love)?

(1) Time to find 1, (2) uncertainty of getting 1, (3) Monetary cost of finding 1, (4) Social stigma of not finding 1, (5) Angst to parents for not passing down the bloody line, (6) Disability to carry on with normal life from a broken heart....

There are many. And here I ask, is free courtship worth is cost? What about some social planning? Certainly I am against forcing girls into some wedding, but is the idea of free market too time-consuming? Only classical economic models assume perfect mobility of the demand and supply curves in the short run. There is sticky preference! We choose, and we choose long and hard. We woo, and we woo with failure and success. But for the sake of social engineering, is there any better way? I do not have the solutions to this problem, but maybe someone can enlighten me on this?

1 step at a time

Telling myself to take things 1 step at a time, tackle those problems that I can tackle 1 at a time, and those that I can't, leave them. I am just accumulating too many problems in my head, thinking that my life is like crap. Yet, I fail again to count my blessing.

I did an entry once of that nature, listing some of the good things I have in my life out. This time, I wouldn't, but I will remind myself through typing here that my life is not just as such. Definitely going through a rough patch of my life, which coincides with the A-Bit-Less-Great-Depression we are facing right now. Ironically, many out there should be suffering worse fates than me because of the ABLGD, so ya, all the more I am to remember that I have a abundant life.

Clear things 1 at a time... I have to remember that =)

Final sem

Final semester is coming, and I am having mixed feelings about it. I guess this will be a great semester, because I have finally decided to stop my paper chase of excellence, and pursuit a life of interest outside academics. To say that my life has been plain sailing for the past semester is a false statement. Yet, definitely, I am more wealthy than 70% of the world population. That, is already enough to make me feel very fortunate.

Furthering my leisure reads, the idea of sampling makes me wonder, what kind of life to I live. I thank Yi Hua for giving me this book, because you did not give me just a book, you gave me knowledge. The book suggest that a wife that is constantly suffering from unhappiness due to her wealthier neighbors to move to a blur-collar neighborhood.

Many a times I wonder, why am I fight so hard? I takes a while, but I finally admit that I'm not academic material, and that my life is better elsewhere. Where? Crap.. I only figured out the 1st part. Hope it doesn't take another 18years for me to figure out the 2nd part... Hope not.

Good student, bad student

It has always been said that what ever you are studying now, there will be a high chance that you will never use it again. Quote, "There are certain things as an economics major that you have to do at least once in your life, but only once." I truly respect that professor that came up with such a kind, smooth, profound, yet refreshing statement. I honestly disagree with his statement, because I never did some of the things in his module, and fair enough, they never came out for the exams.

When I entered the university as an undergraduate, I was looking for an education. Shockingly, most of the time, I was just given a ranking amount my peers, based on how well I write (in English or Mathematics) in a specific amount of time. Several times, it became more about understanding what my professor wants (like), and not what the field of study is about. Many a times, I feel I get more educated outside lecture theaters and tutorial classrooms.

Then why so are we all so enraged by our CAP? I have, for the past 3.5 years experience much sadness (only once happiness) from my CAP. Yet, was my life really utterly changed? I still fell sick, I still need to work hard when I graduate, I still need to uphold social morals and norms... What then did my CAP change in me? Expectations of future job opportunities? But isn't that also based on many other factors, like how the global economies are doing? Not rhetoric, truly a burning question.

People might think I'm eating sour grapes, that because I my grades suck, I conclude that grades reflect nothing. Meritocracy is 1 system of resource distribution. I shall not go into the discussion of whether it is (or is not) a better system.

I knew I did my best as a student. I spent my hours in the library, studying diligently. I did my share of consultations (although not as much this semester). I did my share of the tutorials. When it comes down to the wire, maybe, just maybe, I am not meant to be a studying person. Julius Caesar might not even be able to "Prove there exist a hyperplane that separate 2 disjoint, convex, closed sets". People always mention Bill Gates did not finish his undergraduate course, and he is who he is now.

The fact is this: NOT doing well in studying doesn't make me a lesser man. Smart crooks steal more from hacking into banks than dumb-ass burglars.

At such times of uncertainty, I draw back to something I hold dearly: my conscience (again). If I think that a lousy grade makes me a loser, than I am a loser through self-fulfilling. If I can withdraw myself from this thinking, then irregardless of my grade, I think I am good enough to my own standards. I never said I wanted to be the world's richest man, or that Nobel Prize winner. I have my own standards for success, which revolves around people around me, those that truly care about me.

Good guy, bad guy

From young, we observe the media and fairy tale stories on how they depict good and bad characters. Most of them have something to learn, which in general, is to push you towards being a good person. Always lingering on my mind is that most humans lie, one way or the other, and ironically, for good reasons sometimes. Makes me wonder, what really entails being good...

As I grow older, many shows start to blur this good-guy-bad-guy line. Bad guys often have 'legitimate' reasons to commit whatever that is socially wrong, even though sometimes the playwright (or author) seems to go all out to ensure that viewers sympathize the bad guys for their tragedy, and even support their cause for wrongdoing. While then again, good guys always kill for a good reason. A group of good guys working together to kill some evil monster is teamwork, a group of bad guys forming to ambush a good guy is outnumbering and despicable (taken out of content).

Reverting back to real life, again I wonder. Does anyone really set out to be a bad guy? Ok, maybe those that feel that good guys die fast, they might try to be THE bad guy. But lets talk about normal sane people here. Do you want to be the BAD guy? What is considered bad? Isn't it too general to say someone is bad just because of a single incident? I reckon most people love their children, including crooks (some steal to feed their children in immensely undesirable times, which is like maybe now). Again, what is bad? Or, I should ask this: what is good?

I conclude (not with an answer) with this. I remember this phrase (I can't say its from where, but most males in my country should know this phrase) which goes like this, "Everything is allowed, if you are not caught." Amazing, isn't it? What if you have been selling drugs for the past 20 years, and you retire into your rich Cameron Island resort-like housing. I know I will not do that (sell drugs), because my conscience can't take it that I'm making a living killing people. Well.. maybe I will never know what is right or wrong, good or bad. I can know what is legal or not (to not get into trouble). Most importantly, I think is this. I know what my conscience can take. It might still be a long way to my deathbed (I seriously hope so), but when I'm there, I hope that I can leave with a clear conscience. I know my conscience, and I will do anything to ensure that I keep it clear. I think if I can do that, this is enough for me...

Remembering..

Remembering that I have healthy limbs.
Remembering that I have family that I love and love me.
Remembering that I have access to clean water, sanitation, food, shelter.
Remembering that I have my Namie Amuro DVD that I am watching now.
Remembering that I have my Cable, which includes ESPN (think EPL and NBA!!).
Remembering that I am in a top 50 University.
Remembering that I have many friends that love me for most of who I am.
Remembering that I have never broken up from a failed relationship before.
Remembering that I have cash in my wallet.
Remembering that I have a laptop.
Remembering that I have wireless internet.
Remembering that I have a Facebook.
Remembering that I have eyes that I can see.
Remembering that I have a not so ugly face.
Remembering that I have the ability to change the world.

Haha.. I feel like Bart Simpson writting on the chalkboard at the start of every episode. I remembered my motto from a not so distance past. Well, writing all these kinda worked. I feel much better! Adding 1 last part

Remembering that I have the ability to affect my own mood, no matter how down I am! Cool!

Dead slient

I can't remember since a certain past, my night was never quiet. Suddenly, as I type in these words, I remember a particular someone that likes the quietness of the night. I off my song list, and have no rumbling air-condition on. Only the sound of my fan, and the sound of the typing. When I stop typing, I realise, the fan is actually quite noisy, but yet, I rather have some noise. Ok, my night is dead silent after all (if not, I would be dead in heat). I kinda like the silent suddenly (plus some random background noise).

Yes yes, emo again. Can I? Can't I? Many things I can't and shouldn't do. Cant I not even feel? Is sadness really bad? My workload this semester is really crazy, at least I think it is. Many ask if I'm trying to kill myself. Judging from my constant sharp heart pains, maybe I am.

I am trying to remember this feeling - the feeling of defeat. Why? Because its a sinking feeling, a feeling that I hate, not the low-lying-a-little-emo-kick-back feeling that I sometimes want to have. I want to remind myself never again do I want to feel like that. Meaning? 秘密。

Back to the silent. Amazingly, its beginning to sound nicer than any of the songs in my playlist. Maybe.. I am getting old, enough to start thinking of where I'm going to live out the rest of my lonely days in....

Giving myself credit

I did rest this weekend, but I also did quite a number of work. People are still giving me crap here and there (none from my major is any of you all are reading this). Yes, others. I think I dealt it well enough, at least better than before.

Pacing is pretty good, but for now, I need to start full steam ahead. Yes, nonetheless, giving myself a pat on the back, rewarding myself for the work that I have done, while telling myself, hey, I can and should be more active in my studies. Yes, I will. I thank myself for once, for finishing most of my work on time. 僕はがんばる！

Death of Capitalism?

Who doesn't know the collapse of the many banks (and 1 country) hasn't been on Earth for some time. Great times to reflect, especially for a person that does Economics as a major, and for someone that questioning whether his honours serve any good in the working world, 1 that is now filled with chaos and disarray.

How do the supposedly smart people from the various top universities of this world fail so badly ensuring just sound financial stability? Ain't there enough smart people to understand the workings of an economy by now, after 1929, 1979, 1987-88 and 1997?

We can add a 2008 to it, and definitely, one of the top few financial turmoil of all times. Few are already talking about studying Masters, because of the expected bleak job market when we graduate. Many more are flocking to government board recruitment talks, because government jobs are deemed as more stable (even though the economies they handle may not).

Another issue is on the issues that I have studied. Are they really truth(s)? Duh.. the way in which I structure them means they are not. What are truths anyways? Are there even truths to begin with? The truth is (ironic intended) that humans always make mistakes, and maybe this train of thought has been so well established, all humans have been blinded by it? Maybe? I shall be remained that I will learn more about this world, and try to establish greater links beyond my own major, and hopefully, be a person that can think more critically, and not just a book/paper/homework/test churn-er. Bleah!

From watching 康熙来了

I love this variety show. Pretty gal(s), intellectual host(s), self sacrificing jester(s). But this time, im talking about the content.

Today, the show was about celebrities in Taiwan that know each other personally, but viewers may not know their relationship(s). There was 1 ex-couple. It was over pretty long ago for them, but there were still moments of 暧昧。Well, they had their good and bad moments when they were together, but well, it was kinda cosy for them, seeing each other after so many years. They had their wonderful memories.

In a way, it got me linking back to this classic (allow me to call it a classic), "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." If you do not know what is the show about, click on IE (or FireFox if you are like me) and google it (yahoo it, whatever!). I will assume knowledge of that (like many of my professors). The past, both good and bad.. They had theirs. It feels rather fuzzle seeing them converse other their past (failed) relationship, but yet, they still look kinda happy.

Such memories are those that I never really have yet. In a way, if you never loved before, you are never really human. Unfortunate, and yes Sad.

Succeeded in proving my own failure?

At this moment, success in my social promixity is claimed by people that can excel in academic pursuits. Viewed with awe, they seem to be people that possess a special set of skills that few around them have gathered. They seem confident and self-esteemed, all set and ready for the outside world. People of the otherwise, those at the other tip of the curve, seem extremely condemned by their academic failures, as though life is a subset of academics...

Out there, success may change from grades to cash. Ability to spin money from nothing. Academics, and why we link success to academics in schoolling years, have a lot to do with the perceived closed links between higher education to higher annual income. In a year's time, I will upgrade my rat race, from academics to cash. Easy monitoring and comparsion, great for economist, bad for the rest of the normal human beings.

Partnership. Things seem really beak when you need your government to tell you to have more sex. Ah, I am a bit mis-representing them. They did not say that so implicitly. They just say families need more babies, while not opening up the trade of infants (Thank goodness they did not! Never do that please!!!!). Please have more babies, but you cannot satisfy this induced increase consumption through a market system. Thus, 1 (or a couple) can only be self-sufficient, almost a Robin Cruise Economy, where producer(s) are also the consumer(s).

Failure (of mine) however, stems from disabilities to clearly define success, and to let society, norms and others carve something from our bodies - our souls. Academics, money, partnership... Currently, I clearly have none. To be honest, I bash myself up a lot because my definition of success is indeed closely linked to the societial definition of success. Maybe I should start bashing myself up for free-riding on 'universal' definition of success, which by itself have many negative externality issues that remain unresolved.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

This is an amazing film, and this is relate to my life now. Memories. To keep the good ones, you have to keep the bad ones as well. Now, I do have good ones, but its the good ones that are making me feel so bad now. They were too good, so much so that I miss them a lot.. too much..

Forgetting them is impossible, because it has been a while since I felt like that. Bringing my life forward, yes, I do have such feelings as well, but this time, I guess compiled feelings make me feel even sadder.

I do not want to delete my good memories, yet, keeping them means that I am constantly ripping myself apart. I am choosing the 'keeping and ripping' school of thought now. Maybe when I rip finish myself, I will throw them away and stop keeping them. Maybe.. hopefully, someone else will come into my life and throw them away. Maybe not...

Mutiple complains about NUS, enough for me to save it for another entry. For now, I let bath in my sorrow that is not academically created..

Emo...

午前十二五十五分. ぼくは五時間起きます。でも、今寝ません。I am indeed feeling down. 想念这我不应该想念的人。我一直以来都相信老天的安排，觉得‘她’要我做什么就会很明确的指一条路给我走。I think I put too much faith in the Heavens....

Feeling distant from many people. Naturally, this day will come, but I forgot to prepare myself for it. I guess its meant to be, no matter what is done. When people gather, there will be one eventual day that they will disperse. I guess now is my time to leave...

在曲终人散的当时, 我不经感到彷徨. 不经觉得这 世界 没什么值得我去争取的. I only lose them to the inevitable change...

The wait is extremely intense..　毎日、ぼくは待ちます、でも... I feel useless at how powerless I am. There is nothing　I can do、but wait. I hope I will not leave this with regret. At least, I hope to get an answer.

At this rate, the only person that is stagant in his life is ぼく. Happy for my ともだちs for their achievements. I wish them well. でも... ぼく　は　どこ　へ　行きますか？

わからない。。。

Changes

Changes. Every semester, things change. The old graduate, the new matriculate. Modules change, study mates change. This year 4, 'Change' is very well amplified.

Many friends left me for the outside world. So strange, for I am still studying in this box created by supposely higher order beings to create other higher order beings. Yet, constantly, I am being fed with the idea of how stupid I am... Strange, isn't it?

ATW definitely left a mark in my life. Here and now, I am still comtemplating, still wondering, still thinking, still gathering my thoughts, still gathering my photos, still arranging my omiyagis.. Scary.. because although I am back in Singapore, and I am having fun here and there... something seems missing in my life? Maybe I had too much fun in ATW, but I seriously think I left something back there in Japan.

Fate work in wonders, that is why it is called Fate. It has little reasoning, and it just happens. When so many people converge onto a single small area of the world, weird things do happen, and I guess they happen even more intensely for a 'unique' person like me.

Final year. That is what they call it. So strange, feels as though I am sending myself to death after this 'Final Year'.

ゆっくり.... ゆっくり...

A Beautiful Jail?

A place where people are fed well, where they get most of the things they want, provided they play by the rules (or bend them well enough). Material wealth are theirs (if they can get it). Infrastucture are well developed, and everything is pretty, clean and nice.

Everyone obeys, and (almost) everything is in proper order. Once in a while, there might be some disorder, but things are always pretty under control. Life is pleasant. No natural disasters, crime rates are low, roads are clean from trash, many are efficient at what they specialise.

HOWEVER.... are they thinking beings at all, or are they parts of a huge machine, controlled a few to push them to a certain future they deem as correct? Maybe some like such a kind of life, where everything is stable and nice, where their future is decided for them, depending on how they are taken in by the system. The system decides, not them.

Its scary.. I think it is. I hope I will never live in such a system for my whole life. I hope that I can one day be in a place where I can think freely, engage in thoughtful engagements, decide my life for myself. I hope.. I will work towards that!

Perception

To the one that knows why I am writing this. The word is Perception. During my ICT & Japan summer school, I will discuss more about it with myself, but thanks, I think its a good perception to take.

Everything is fixed

Everything is fixed. No matter how I try to change things, there seems to be no way I can change certain things. Pre-destined. Forces of nature are scary.. I doubt I can win them...

A moment of silence

I don't know them. I knew the news late. However, they affected me deeply. 2 soldiers died in the past few days during training. Reminds me of the drowning case which of a very different nature (judging from superficial information from the media).

I am saddened (understatement). I know military is important. Yet, everyone that knows me well enough knows my _____ for it. I can't find a word, and I wouldn't. Its beyond my intellect, as much as I see how many things back then were beyond my intellect too.

I am unfortunate in many ways, because I came out army socially crippled & physically half-crippled. I can't ever jump as high as I ever did, run as fast as I ever can, even walk as long as I can use to walk. Mind you, I am only 24, not 64. I want my healthy leg back....

Yet, fortunate I am in many ways. I kept my sanity through seeing things from different perceptions. I know my leg can never be the same, but for these 2 families, their house can never be the same again as well. No matter how crippled I feel, I am still alive & that itself is already a gift & a miracle...

I take a moment of silence for these 2 souls & their family members. I can imagine their tears, as much as I can imagine those of mine if I were to move on so suddenly. Holding back my own, I promise to my best to not let that happen to me & my family, ever again...

So many things to write...

Wanted to pen something, but realised, there are so many things I want to talk about, I don't where to start. Focus then, focus....

Taking a topic off my head - I'm not stupid. Yes, I am not. I am just not clever in standard procedures. Drifter... I want to be something different. Maybe that will make me happy, to be an individual.

Again, my entries seem to go no where. Have been wanting to blog, but have only been deleting my words after they look like nonsense to me. I can delete my blogs, but not my life. Lousy...

I am no ordinary kid

I think my biggest assets are my thoughts. Not the best in the world, but at least I do take time & effort to think long & hard. Soon, I will get a job. I don't want a job that is just tedious processing. I want a job that allows me to think. Not just about my job, but gives me enough time to think about life, its happenings. In a way, maybe I want a job that feeds me acceptable, but gives me enough room for self-development. Well, I have been studying for the past 20-2 years, but self-development, most of us have hardly done any.

Maybe I just want a simple processing job, one so simple, I can do what I really want after I finish the simple money earning tasks. 1 job, several passions.

Gone now, bye, cya all laters!