The truth is, I do like some of my army mates. OBS, LBP, Kel Toh, Sin, Nic, Jackson, David, so many of them. I honestly like to keep contact with them.
However, the other side of this truth is that my army experience has been so tramatic, even till now, I have nightmares about army. My ankle and knee is still damaged, unhealed from the days it was first injuried, then certified after a year and a half. I want to meet up with them, but seeing them reminds me of my army days, those sick days, days un-alived.
Eventually, I will have to meet them. The chance is here. ICT (In Camp Training) is up in less than 3 weeks, and I have been called back. I will be reminded. People will remind me. Even in NUS I am reminded of how 'chao geng' I am in army. Even on the streets I am. Once in a while, my body (ankle and knee) will remind me that I did not, and still has not.
I always see films in which the leads want to clear their names. I want to, but I know they will not believe me at all. I have to live with myself that my conscience is clear.
I am stronger now, mentally. Physically I am certainly much weaker. No one really runs or jump the same after a torn ligament. I know who was good to me in army, who was not. Revenge was on my mind. I wanted so bad to rip their ligaments, to let them experience how its like to have your ligament torn, and still have to train. It painful, even till today, I can never forget the pain, although in my ankles, seem to spread instantly throughout my whole body.
I have been told its their job. I am a human life, and my ankle is mine. I will try not to fall into that spot, but if they get their own karma, that's the will of the heavens, not me acting on my revenge. I still hope for peace that I will get someday, and I know, someday I will, when I leave this land I call home.
However, the other side of this truth is that my army experience has been so tramatic, even till now, I have nightmares about army. My ankle and knee is still damaged, unhealed from the days it was first injuried, then certified after a year and a half. I want to meet up with them, but seeing them reminds me of my army days, those sick days, days un-alived.
Eventually, I will have to meet them. The chance is here. ICT (In Camp Training) is up in less than 3 weeks, and I have been called back. I will be reminded. People will remind me. Even in NUS I am reminded of how 'chao geng' I am in army. Even on the streets I am. Once in a while, my body (ankle and knee) will remind me that I did not, and still has not.
I always see films in which the leads want to clear their names. I want to, but I know they will not believe me at all. I have to live with myself that my conscience is clear.
I am stronger now, mentally. Physically I am certainly much weaker. No one really runs or jump the same after a torn ligament. I know who was good to me in army, who was not. Revenge was on my mind. I wanted so bad to rip their ligaments, to let them experience how its like to have your ligament torn, and still have to train. It painful, even till today, I can never forget the pain, although in my ankles, seem to spread instantly throughout my whole body.
I have been told its their job. I am a human life, and my ankle is mine. I will try not to fall into that spot, but if they get their own karma, that's the will of the heavens, not me acting on my revenge. I still hope for peace that I will get someday, and I know, someday I will, when I leave this land I call home.
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