My purest of pain

I read quite a few self-improvement books. Actually, most of my books are of that genre. Bear no hatred, no anger, no desires for revenge, or desires for that matter. Nonetheless, I am only human, and I be spiting out some of my displeasure here. It’s my blog, so I have the right to do it. Here I go.

My military life left me with a disability that will most likely hinder me the rest of my life. I should be delighted that I survived my ordeal, even though with a torn left ankle ligament. These few days it feels swollen again, making it difficult for me to walk. I can live with. As I said, I should be, and I am happy that I am not an unfortunate KIS (Kill-In-Service, or should I say Kill-In-Safety?). Wait! After so long, I do realise the need to defend our own country. Again I will restate that I am not against it, just that somehow, it’s against me. Sometimes, I still limp from my army injury. Mine was not serious enough for a surgery, but neither recovering after a few years. What pains me the most, after so many years, people still remember me as the one that “faked-it”. Even with a torn ligament, even with a doctor’s certification, that’s what I am remembered as. “Please lah, how can it be that pain?” FUCKING HELL, YOU TEAR YOUR FUCKING LIGAMENT AND YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHETHER PAIN OR NOT LAH!!!!! With this ligament, I ran 2 half-marathons, with the MO refusing to excuse me because I had too many MCs, and that by not giving me excuse for the run, people will accept me more as one of them, the one that ran with them, endured the hardship with them. I can never be one of them. I have one less fit ligament. I would want to let go. Nightmares still bother me. When I want to go out and have some, my ankle some times bothers me.

After my JC and army, I hoped for a better start from NUS. I changed to be more proactive, more talkative, more out-going, more out-spoken. I changed, and I got different results. Looking back, I feel just like a clown entertaining people. Clowns get paid, I do not. I will not be that clown anymore. Looking back at my JC days, I can never forget that day when I was told to leave the girls alone. I was a pathetic person with no one to turn to during those days, like a ball being kicked around. Even Roland could tell when I told him that I did not want to carry on A-levels after the prelims were out. “Is it because of those guys inside?” He pointed into the classroom. We were in the corridors when I told him I need some time to be with him to tell him something I had ponder for one day, the day that I cut school. When I see my JC classmates nowadays, I can still face those that were still great to me then. Those that were not, I wear a mask in front of them, acting as if I like their presence. For a rough gauge to see if you are one of them, those that did not like me in JC probably are these group of people. I doubt they ever come here.

“Do not ponder about the past, because you can never change it, no matter how you try.” That’s the general gist of a quote I read. Lets talk about days after army then. People I met in NUS were great people. They were friendly, sporting, nice people. They were great friends in general. However, I have a weird habit. I do not like to be lied at, or purposely kept away from certain things that actively involve me. Lied at I was certainly not. Kept away I was. Every one from the group that I hang out almost everyday with kept one thing from me. I did not expect every one of them to come up and tell me about it, but neither did I expect some of them to keep it from me. I know their intentions. They meant no harm, or were in fact, thinking for my best. Eventually, it brought me more misery. From one of them, I actually told her something that someone else from that group was keeping from her. Not that I broke my promise with her. I just felt that if the other person knew about it, the whole situation would be better. She felt I did that right thing, and I had a hard time persuading her to not be angry at her keeping it from her, and that she did not want you to get hurt. I did not expect her to feel so right about something, and yet not tell me when it was my turn. Neither can I persuade myself to not feel sad. Feel like an idiot though. Everyone talking about it in front of me, assuming that I do not know, and that they are just laughing away about the situation. No no, not about me not knowing, but about the people involved. I just do not feel as comfortable with them as before. Every one of them that I thought I could trust, I do not feel I can trust anymore, except for the one that I shared all of these to yesterday. My last beacon? Haha.. sounds so hopeless, but currently, I am quite destroyed by this incident. She was the person that let the cat out of the bag, although very accidentally. If she had not said anything, maybe I would have been better off? Ignorance is bliss. Actually, she did not mean to let me know either. She was under instructions to not let me know by her. Without her, I think I would be totally destroyed. But without her, I might not be destroyed at all, because I would know nothing. If I had known from another source, then all would be lost. Total annulations of the author of this blog. Why? My first group of friends out of army and JC became like this. My hope was completely dashed. I do not think they will know what really happened till someone tells them. 99% they do not read my blogs either, and 1% chance someone from my Ramen reads my blog at all.

Anyway, I am not striving to be quieter because of this incident. I feel I talk too much, especially when someone told me “to do myself a favour”. That was the incident that woke me up from my dreamy state. I am, and thanks for the feedback. Friends are around friends when they enjoy their company. When they do not, leave them. I feel that would be better off without me, for certain, I do not know who the hell their Sec school friends are, nor their JC friends, or the cars, nor drinks, nor beer, not clubs, nor pubs, nor girls. As for girls, I am sorry. My JC interaction with girls made me realise guys and girls are very different. I can never be that close to a group of girls as another girl can be. It’s hard to forget when a girl comes to you and tells you that actually the girls want you to not be with them when they go out. That was the day when I started to enter my own realm of darkness. Thus, my reason for being more quiet; to reduce my endless chatter to ease the sufferings of my peers, and the general disability to fully assimilate into my new group of friends. Birds of a feather flock together. There is nothing wrong. I do not want them to purposely try to include me into them. They are entitled to enjoy themselves, and I truly feel without me, their activities of drinking and clubbing would be better. I still have one group of friends. Though we do not hang out as much, but you all are what I am left with. Please, you all are really what I am left with. I am sure you all know who you all are, especially I know you all read my blog quite often. A toast to you all.

I know she was trying to not let me get hurt. But how long can such things be kept under wraps? In Chinese there is a saying, “Paper cannot be used to contain fire.” If anyone had just told me simply, I would be just any normal event. It happens all the time. We are all humans, and its very natural. I felt like a real fool. I was too gullible when he said she is not her type. Things change. I honestly blame no one but my own foolishness. As I said, I feel like a fool. I only blame my own stupidity. Everyone had the eyes to see but me.

I doubt I can ever trust people as much as I did in the past. This certainly got me very traumatised about relationships. That’s why the rather anti-relationship entries the past few weeks. I still am, and sorry government, I will be one of those that might not get married, because I already have problems trusting people, how can I even get attached to someone? My lacking of intelligence has forced to a point where I cannot trust any at all. Its only normal. I am too stupid for my own good already.

Torned-delibrate MISspelling
I end with teary eyes
But boys,
Do not cry.
We are beings that are dry
Heartless,
Empty inside

Torn is my Heart
Scattered thousands apart.
Looking ahead
Soulless derange.
Leaving the debris
Unfinished pieces.
I left my shell
In search for only a personal Nirvana